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Riga & Romania, Zagreb & Zurich: It Sounds Rockstar but Really it’s Not May 10, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in conference, Meeting notes, Presenting, Private Life, User Groups.
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I’ve spent a lot of time over the last month or two trying to plan how to navigate a set of visits to the Eastern side of Europe. This might sound a little “My Glamorous Lifestyle” but, as my friend Tim Hall (he who is “Oracle-Base”) has documented in his posts under “my glamorous lifestyle”, doing the Oracle talk circuit often entails lots of hours in airports & stations, travelling with cheap, basic airlines, and sometimes a lot of stress. It is not the “Airport lounge and first class service” some people think it is. Anyway…

I’m visiting cities in the orange zone

All three venues are at pretty much the same longitude, about 25 degrees (that is to say, the same distance “East” of the UK). The first trip is to Riga in Latvia, where I am presenting at Riga Dev Days 2018. This is my first time at Riga Dev Days and in fact my first time in Latvia. Sue has never visited Latvia before so is joining me for a long weekend prior to the conference – they have a millinery (hat) museum in Riga! (If you do not know, my wife makes some very nice hats)

The last trip is to Romania, to present at a the Romanian Oracle User Group meeting. I was asked if I would consider this by Mirela Ardelean at the UKOUG conference last December and my response was “Hell yes! I’ve never been to Romania before and I love being asked! Besides, I don’t think Sue has been to Romania yet…” So, another weekend as a tourist with my wife before a speaking engagement. Bucharest is pretty much directly South of Riga.

I’ve had these two in my calendar for a while and, though the trip to Romania was a little fluid for a while, I knew I could do it easily – there are cheap, direct flights to both from London Stansted airport, which is just a few miles over the fields from my home.

Riga hat museum 🙂

And then things changed. I became UKOUG President elect (and, a lot sooner than I expected, full president) and there is a meeting of European Oracle user groups in Zagreb, Croatia, in a date between the two user group events I was doing. I felt I needed to be there – I think all the European user groups have stuff to learn from each other and the UKOUG board supported this position.

I now had a three-week period with large chunks “over there”. I looked at flights, times, costs, hotels… It was not working. Getting home to the UK in that period with at least 24 hours at home was going to be very, very hard. I looked to see if train transport or even a hire car would help. No. But carrying enough personal stuff to last three weeks was also hard work. Even if I did weird things like popped into other countries by train or travelled at antisocial hours, the cost was making my eyes water. Each trip itself was OK if based on a simple “UK and out/return” basis. But together, it did not work. Moving between each country was not a smooth process and going home to the UK was even worse…

Then Sue made a suggestion. Don’t go “home” – go to see your wife – via Zurich!

That worked!

In the middle of all these trips I can pop back to Zurich and by train to Basel, and see Mrs Widlake. And wash my dirty clothes. It seems crazy, but adding another leg to what was already a frenetic travel plan made it all doable. So now I am going Stansted-Riga-Zurich-Basel-Zurich-Zagreb-Belgrade-Bucharest-Stansted.

Bucharest

Why do I do all of this? Because I love what I do as a vocation (UKOUG, presenting, the Oracle Community) and I love what I do as a Husband (she currently works abroad, I go visit, she visits back, and we meet up in random countries across Europe). For both I travel cheap as I am either spending the salary of my wife or the funds of a User Group. Both are limited and I try to keep costs down. Especially on the latter.

I really wanted to fit in a trip to Bulgaria as well, to go to the BOUG spring conference, but I really just could not make that work as well. That will have to be next year, if they will still accept me.

I already know I will be knackered by the end of this tour, but that’s OK – I will have time to recover. That would be 48 hours before I go to Valencia for a holiday “with the boys”. Followed 48 hours later by a trip to Scotland to be UKOUG President at the Scottish UKOUG conference.

I might take July off to sleep….

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Free Conference (*) in May! May 4, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in conference, Knowledge, UKOUG.
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How do you fancy going to a full-day, five stream conference, for free? With a great agenda including Pete Finnigan talking on the hot topic of GDPR; Chris Saxon, Nigel Bayliss and Grant Ronald giving us the latest low-down on optimizer, 18C database features for developers and AI powered apps? Stalwarts of the Oracle community like Robin Moffat, Zahid Anwar and Andrew Clarke giving their real-world view?

Well, if you are a member of the UKOUG you can – and even if you are not a member, there is a way! All levels of UKOUG membership, even bronze, allow you to attend at least one SIG (Special Interest Group) meeting – and the Northern Technology Summit is classed as a SIG, even though it is as large as some smaller conferences. The 5 streams cover Database, RAC, Systems, APEX, and Development (I know, APEX is part of development – but it gets a whole stream to fit in the large range of speakers, who are mostly end users with real stories to tell). You can see the full agenda here.

Park Plaza. Leeds.

The summit is being held in Leeds, at the Park Plazza hotel, on the 16th of May. The Park Plaza is so close to Leeds train station that you could probably hit it with a catapult from the entrance. It is also about 2 minutes from where the M621 (a spur off the M1) ends in the city centre. You can sign up to the event by clicking here.

Is Leeds far away? No. Trains from Kings Cross take only 2 hours and you can get there and back for £50 or less. Check out Trainline.com and similar websites. Of course, coming in from Birmingham, Sheffield, Manchester, Newcastle etc is even quicker and cheaper (except maybe Brum, for reasons I cannot fathom) Even Edinburgh is less than 3 hours away.

SO you are not a UKOUG member – You can still come, and still come for free as I said – well, sort of. The cost of a SIG for a non-member is £170 plus VAT, which is pretty cheap for a whole-day event full of technical content and an absolute steal for a 5-stream mini-conference. But if you become a Bronze member of the UKOUG for five pounds less, i.e. £165, you get a SIG place – so you can come to the Northern Technology summit. The UKOUG have waived the usual joining fee of £50 to ensure it is cheaper to become a bronze member than simply pay for this event. And, if you become a higher level member, (silver, gold, platinum) the UKOUG will still waive the joining fee. You can see full details of the offer here

As well as the excellent agenda we will be having some fun. We are having a meet-up the night before in Leeds, at Foley’s Tap House where we have reserved an area. This is one of my favourite pubs in Leeds, I seem to end up in it for a pint or two whenever I visit the city. There are already over half a dozen of us going and I’ll buy a round. The park plaza hotel is just next to the latest shopping centre in Leeds. If you have never visited the city before, or did so a long time ago, it’s become a very vibrant city centre over the last 10 years or so. I suspect after the event some of us will end up in the Scarborough hotel opposite the train station before we wander home.

So, sign up and get yourself over to a whole-day, 5-stream conference full of both the official information from Oracle on 10 topics and end-user/partner opinions on 25 more.

Friday Philosophy – If I Was a Computer, I Might Be An IBM System 360 April 20, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in Friday Philosophy, Private Life, working.
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So today I turn 50. I spent a few minutes looking up what your typical computer looked like then and I decided the IBM System/360 was about right. It was a business machine. Personal computers did not exist then as, well, it was almost the dark ages…

IBM system/360, phot by Dave Ross

{Note, it has been pointed out to me that I should say “If I were a computer”. Seems that even at my age I still have things still to learn properly… I’ll leave it as is to remind myself…}.

Technology changes and we who work with it change. With tech, after a while any individual part (say a specific computer) becomes obsolete and we throw it away. The technology itself changes and we stop using the parts that are superceeded. I don’t remember the last time I used any sort of floppy disc or a Zip Drive. Ironically we still often use a floppy disc icon to identify the Save button.

But us? Do we who work with I.T. become obsolete? Yes. We do so when we stop changing with the times (or “stop working”, but this is not an “I’m old and considering my mortality” type post, you will be relieved to know). I think that if you lose your passion to keep learning something new in computing and/or programming, it’s time to move out of the arena; as, worryingly soon, you are going to become like those old systems that never get updates and you know will be thrown out if they develop a serious flaw or just become too expensive to keep on the payroll – err, I mean plugged in.

I nearly lost interest about 8,10 years ago. I think it was partly that I found myself doing the same things over & over again and having the same stupid arguments (sorry, “discussions”) about how not doing things correctly was going to just make everyone’s life harder in the long run. I don’t mean doing things the same, I mean doing the things that make a good system – ensuring it fits the business need, that it is tested before it gets released, and you do this crazy thing called design. This time it was not that I needed to alter along with the tech, I needed to alter myself a little. I finally realised that, although it was getting worse, the I.T. world has always been a bit like that and part of the trick to this business is simply walking away from places that are too bad and looking for those who are a bit better. I’m lucky to be able to do that moving about (don’t get me wrong, I did have to put effort into it and I think that is where some people go wrong, they seem to almost expect an external agent to make things better for them) but then I’m 50 and still in the business. I’ve seen lots of people simply leave the industry when they could not affect that change.

However, doing a bit of the introverted-navel-gazing that comes with Significant Birthdays, I find it interesting that at 20, 25, 30, 35,… 42 (very significant that one) things have always been changing for me.

When I was born, computers filled a large room. And were yellow.

At 20 I was studying Genetics & Zoology at college and thought I would be a lab scientist. A career in I.T. was not even a consideration.
By 25 I’d taken up computing and I had fallen into this company called Oracle and I reckoned I would be with them for a good while, building systems with Forms, ReportWriter. PL/SQL and whatever came next. Oracle would not last for ever…
When I was 30 I was self employed, touting my services to various companies and mostly doing systems design and performance work.
Come 35 and I was back full-time employed (that was a surprise) working in science organisation (even more of a surprise) using my degree to some, well, degree (an utter surprise). And presenting at Oracle user group conferences.
At 40 I was self-employed again, but now totally focused on performance and and Oracle RDBMS Subject Matter Expert (someone who knows a bit about most of it and most of a bit of it).
42. 42 is a great age. You are the answer to everything…
At 45 I was retired. Except when I was not. OK, I had become a Consultant, doing short jobs for different clients. And doing all this User Group stuff. Me! Antisocial, miserable, slightly-autistic me!
Now at 50, I have to confess I am not keeping on top of the technical details of my chosen sphere the way I probably should, if my career is still in this area. But I’m not doing bad and my “job” is now even more as a presenter and a member of the User Group community. I need new skills for that.

So it keeps changing. Sometimes I chose the change and sometimes changes just dropped on me. But I’ll look at the options as they come up. And if no options are coming up and I am not happy in my job, I go look for options. I won’t say I always choose the best option but, heck, it’s worked OK so far.

I wonder what I’ll be doing at 55 and 60? I just hope I am not stuck in a museum with a “do not touch” sign next to me, like all the remaining IBM System/360s

I’m Proud to now be President Elect of the UK Oracle User Group March 23, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in UKOUG, User Groups.
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At the start of this week, voting for the 2 new UKOUG board members was closed and the votes were counted. Tuesday Morning, I received a call from Carl Dudley, the chair of their appointments committee, and was informed there had been more “Yes” votes than “No” votes for me – So I am now President Elect of the UK Oracle User Group!

It was a relief to know I’d received the approval of the majority of people who had voted for the new president – I was pretty certain that I’d win, given how many words of support I had received, but there is always that doubt… I was curious as to how close the vote was, but Carl was very professional and would give me no clues.

I’d like to thank everyone who voted for me, and also all the people with the Oracle community who showed support on social media for me. I should also mention that my wife, Sue, did not just say “oh go on, if you must” but encouraged me to put my hat in the ring.

I should make one thing clear – I am not yet President, I am President Elect. I’m “President-in-waiting”. I’ll be shadowing the current President, Paul Fitton, until his term ends in one year. This gives time for me to take over the various contacts and communication channels and learn what is involved in the role. I do not have a vote on the board until I take over from Paul, but I do get involved and fill in for duties when Paul is not available. I’m not sure exactly what this entails yet!

I’m pleased to say that Neil Chandler was voted in as the new Member Advocate in the same election, so he will also be joining in with all the fun.

The role of President is a serious one and it involves representing the whole of the user group, not just the tech side that I have historically been involved in. I’m going to have to expand my horizons a little.

Does this new responsibility mean I’ll stop being the relaxed, flippant person I sometimes (usually?) am? Well, yes, to some degree. You alter your behaviour to suit the situation you are in, just as most of us do when we are filling a managerial role or dealing with important work issues.

But I think we should never take ourselves too seriously. So, just for a little light humour… This is how some of my friends reacted to me becoming President Elect of the UKOUG. They congratulated me but also did the traditional “Make the enormous guys stand behind Martin and take a photo to tweet…” thing.

What you don’t get from the photo is that Neil was shouting “Viva El Presidente!” exactly as (for those who remember it) Vivian does in “The Young Ones”.

Thanks, Neil.

But my favourite shot is this one – Ilmar Kerm and Klaas-Jan Jongsma offering to be my “heavy Squad”. I’m sure I won’t need one and, besides, they are both too nice for the role.

ScreenHunter_334 Mar. 24 13.43

Friday Philosophy – Not My Cup Of Tea March 16, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in ethics, Friday Philosophy, Perceptions.
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A few days ago I tweeted a copy of a “motivational poster”. I don’t normally like motivational posters but this one struck a chord with me as it was a lesson I took a long time to learn. Not everyone will be your cup of tea. Which is a very British (I think) way of saying you don’t like something or someone. “Ohh, that Mavis, she’s just not my cup of tea!”.

Over time my opinion of people and how we all get on have changed.

Not everyone in this world is going to like you. No matter what you do, how reasonable you are, the number of olive branches you offer, some people are just never going to like you. That bit I learnt early at school when Nigel was leading the bullies. Each one of them I could manage on their own, negotiate some peace, but not Nigel. Over time I realised it’s just a reality: some people will not like you and there is no discernible reason. And it can be a very passive dislike – no anger, no hate, just a total absence of like rather than actual dislike I guess.

You are not going to like everyone. This is not a case of you needing to be a better person or some sort of saint, I don’t think I’ve met anyone yet who likes everyone. Some people respect everyone, have time for everyone, will try to think the best of everyone. But not like. I did not like Nigel, for good reason, but there are other people who I do not like who have never done anything bad to me. Again, it is not that I dislike them, I’m just indifferent or mildly irritated by them. For many years through my 20’s and 30’s I thought I should try and alter that – but I failed. I just don’t like some people.

It’s OK and Normal that some people you will just not get on with. I struggled with that for years. Surely, so long as someone is not psychotic or just simply a bad person, bridges can be built? When I started thinking more about teams, managing people, getting people to work together, I did learn more about how to identify the reasons for bad feeling and resolve them. I had more success at it than I thought I would, and acknowledging that half the time it was my fault not theirs helped. But with some people, no it was not happening, we did not like each other. But things could usually be improved – if not bridge-building, then at least waving politely at each other from our respective sides of the river.

That led me to what I felt was the final part of being someone’s cup of tea. I like tea with sugar and milk, some people think that is disgusting and, anyway, it should be green tea. They are wrong. But it does not matter. If they want a cup of tea, I’ll make them a cup of green tea.

Not getting on with someone is not a problem – so long as you don’t MAKE it a problem. If you don’t like someone there is no need for you to make them “The Enemy”. If you do, well you just made an enemy and that person is likely to be obstructive to you, retaliate and generally make life less nice. And that will spill over to others around you. Oh, I’m not a saint, I try to apply this rule to myself but I don’t always pull it off.

I’m not wise enough to know all the reasons we do not all get on but I think sometimes the reasons are just not important. I might remind you of someone you really detest, I might find the way you keep singing bits of “The Smiths” an affront to good musical taste. And even if there are reasons that seem good, the less antagonistic you can keep it, the better. And I repeat, sometimes it is not active dislike, it is just an absence of like.

The context is also a factor in this. In a social situation, if you do not get on with someone it’s easiest just to avoid them. And we all do this. But you don’t need to try and make everyone else dislike them. In a work or family situation it can be harder as you have to deal with people you don’t like. I think that acknowledging that you just don’t get on and it happens, no blame either side, makes it easy to be equitable about it.

It seems to me that the people I do not get on with have a different life philosophy to me and the larger the difference, the larger the chance of dislike. I don’t like Right Wing conservatives. I don’t like selfish people. To them I am probably sanctimonious, deluded and borderline communist – which is not fair, I AM communist. In that I think our community is the most important thing about being human. But I also use humour a lot and that really annoys some people as I use it in inappropriate settings or they do not think I am taking issues seriously enough or professionally enough. And they may be right.

So, all very good and very grown-up of me so far. Now for my final point.

Some people are just not nice. We’ve all met them, the person who no one can get on with as they are so self-opinionated, bullying, harsh, self-serving. And any attempt to build bridges with them is either seen as weakness or used as a way to get you on-side before they hang you out to dry.

Is this just an extreme case of not being your cup of tea? Well, maybe, but I don’t think that.

Some people are just not worth the trouble. And some people are trouble.

It comes back to Condoning Bad Behaviour. I actually decided that some people are not nice (and probably never will be) long before I came to the conclusion about it being OK to not get on and trying to not make it a problem. At that point I wondered if that would be the whole solution, just accept that you do not get on and let it lie.

But I kept hitting up against the occasional person who, no matter how much you tried to not make it a problem, they did make it a problem. And they continued to bully, oppress, be antagonistic – and they got away with it. With these people I still try and walk away. And if I cannot? I don’t condone bad behaviour. I’ll tell them what I think and, if I can, I’ll stand against them. It is not easy though as they are like Nigel. They surround themselves with similar people or stooges they can direct. Now that is a totally different issue.

I think it’s right to try and be friends with everyone.
But you won’t be friends with everyone so strive for peace with the others.
And if peace is difficult, distance should work.
But I will not condone bad behaviour, OK?

Some people need to see me using this cup

Friday Philosophy – Explaining How Performance Tuning Is Not Magic? March 9, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in Friday Philosophy, performance, SQL.
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Solving performance issues is not magic. Oh, I’m not saying it is always easy and I am not saying that you do not need both a lot of knowledge and also creativity. But it is not a dark art, at least not on Oracle systems where we have a wealth of tools and instrumentation to help us. But it can feel like that, especially when you lack experience of systematically solving performance issues.

SQL statement be fast!

I recently spent a couple of days with a client discussing how you solve performance issues and I am preparing a talk on exactly that for the up-coming OUG Ireland conference on the 22nd-23rd March. The guys I was talking to at the client are very, very capable production DBAs, but traditionally the developers at their site initially look at any performance issues. If they think it is the database but not something they can fix, they throw it over the fence at the DBAs. It’s not always the database of course and, if it was a simple fix (missing index, obviouosly inefficient query), then the developers fixed it. So these two guys are expected to only solve the more difficult issues. That’s not really fair as, if you are not practising on the simple problems how are you supposed to gain the experience and confidence to solve the harder ones?

Anyway, a part of the discussion was about Explain Plans. What does the COST mean in the plan, they asked? They saw it as some number that in an undefined way gave an indication of how expensive the step in the plan was, but they could not link it back to anything solid that made sense to them. It looked like a magically produced number that was sometimes very, very wrong. Like most (good) technical people, they want to know the details of things and how they work, they don’t want to simple accept something as working.

So I took them through some simple examples of plans and of how the COST is just a result of simple maths estimating the number of IOs needed to satisfy the step.

I won’t go into the full details here but have a look at the below, this is how I started:

I explained how you read “down” the slope of plan to the end (so step 3) and then worked back up the slope. So the first thing Oracle does is the index range scan. I showed them the BLEVEL of the index, the number of blocks per indexed value and why Oracle knew it would, on average, need 3 IOs to get the leaf block entries for the provided “DOB=to_date(’08-OCT-1934′,’DD-MON-YYYY’)”. Each DOB matched, on average, 20 rows. So the cost of step 3 was passed up to the step 2 of accessing the table rows. This would be done 20 times so the cost was 20+3. 23.

OK, they could accept that, it made sense. So let’s extend it…

I took the original query against PERSON for a given DOB and now joined it to a second table PERSON_NAME. Why is not important, it’s just a demonstration of a simple table join:

Now I explained that as you work “back up the slope of the plan” from the first, most indented step (so from step 5 to 4 to 3) at 3 there is a nested loop joining the rows passed to step 4 to the step in line below it, i.e. step 6. They had already seen steps 5 and 4 in our first example, Oracle is expecting to get 20 rows for a cost of 23. Look at line 4. And for each of those 20 rows, it will do a range scan of the index in step 6 and for each row it finds in the index, collect rows from the joined table in step 7.

So for each of the 20 original rows it does a scan of an index on the joined table for a cost of 2 (I showed the stats to them how this cost is calculated) and expects on average to find 5 matching rows so it needs to do 5 IOs to the PERSON_NAME to get those rows. Add that together and that cost of 7 is done 20 times. 7*20 is 140, plus the 23 from the orginal scan of the PERSON table, the whole COST is… 163.

Light bulbs came on and they got it! My job here is done.

But it was not. I then went on to explain how it is now hard to get such a simple example. This one is, I think, from an early version of Oracle 11. I told them how histograms on a column will make the estimated cardinality (number of records per given value for a column) more accurate, but harder to work out. I showed them how the cost of a unique index scan is reduced by 1. I explained how Oracle was blind to the correlation of column values unless you took steps to tell the optimiser about it (you know, how for a given value of car manufacturer there will be only a few values of car model, the two values are related)…

Worry was creeping back into their faces. “so it is simple mathematics – but the rules are complex? It’s complex simple mathematics?!?” Err, yes. And with 11 and 12 Oracle will use various methods to spot when the simple, complex mathematics does not match reality and will swap plans as a result…

I think I lost them at that point. Especially when they asked about the SQL Profiles and how they modified Costs… Baselines controlling how plans are used… Bind variables…

That is a real problem with Oracle Performance tuning now. Even something as simple as COST is based on a lot of rules, factors and clever tricks. And they are not the only things controlling which plan is executed anymore.

So I took a step back.

I told them to accept that the COST is really, honestly based on maths, and the expected number of ROWS is too. But the actual, specific values could be hard to totally justify. And it is when the estimated COST and (possibly more importantly) the estimated ROWS goes wrong you have problems. So look out for ROWS of 1 (or at least very low) in a plan for a statement that takes more than a few milliseconds. And for very, very large COSTS/ROWS in the millions or more. And what really helps id if you get the ACTUAL ROWS as opposed to the ESTIMATED RIWS. Where there is a significant difference, concentrate your focus there. Of course, getting the ACTUAL ROWS is not always easy and is for a later (and properly technical) post.

So, they asked, if they could not get the actual ROWS and there were no 1’s or millions’s in the plan ROWS/COSTS? How did they know where to concentrate? “Well, you just get a feel for it… do the costs feel reasonable?…”

Damn – I’m not sure I really delivered on my aim of proving Performance Tuning is science and not magic.

Any pointers anyone?

(Update – Vbarun made a comment that made me realise I had messed up the end of this post, I was talking about estimated ROWS and still had the words COST there. Now fixed. And the other thing I was hoping someone was going to suggest as a pointer was – to split the query down to individual tables & two-table joins and *check* how many rows you get back with the where predicates being used. It takes some time but it shows you where the estimates are going wrong.)

Friday Philosophy – Criticism is Critical for Believable Endorsement March 2, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in ethics, Friday Philosophy, Perceptions.
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7 comments

If you had a friend who always told you that your were the best, that you had no faults, and that everything you did was great – would you trust them? I know I would not. I am fully aware that I am not perfect(*). I used to see this sometimes in relationships too, especially when I was younger. One of them would be so desperate for their boyfriend/girlfriend to like them that they would never criticise the light of their life. The relationship never lasted as it was, well, creepy and false.

Perfect In Absolutely Every Way

For your opinion of someone to be seen as honest, there has to be space for criticism. I love my wife very much, but she’s crap at loading the dishwasher. Joking aside, I believe my wife when she says she likes some aspect of my character as she will tell me about the ones she does not like. Thankfully, not at length.

In exactly the same way, for your opinion on a technology or application to be accepted as honest & worthwhile, there has to be space for criticism. I’m not saying that there has to be some criticism within any given endorsement of a product, I’m saying you need to be confident that the person would mention any faults or drawback they are aware of for you to believe that endorsement. I’m really hoping you are all agreeing with me on this!

So why do Marketing departments so often not get this? What is so fundamentally broken – OK, let’s be nice and say different – about their view of the world that any criticism is not acceptable? I just don’t understand either their belief that their product is perfect or that people will be fooled by an uncritical opinion of that product.

I can see how this would work in social media reviews like TripAdviser though. I recently did reviews of several places I had visited and a couple of companies then contacted me to ask me to remove the bits where I had said anything negative. They fundamentally wanted me to lie for them, or at least implicitly (and complicitly) give a better review by omission. I don’t take it well when I am asked to lie. In this case of social media I can see how “cleaning up” the reviews might help as most people look at the sum of all reviews and not at the reviewers.

But when you are actually a known person giving a review or endorsement, your reputation is critical to how the review is perceived.

What triggered this post was I recently discovered a friend of mine had been asked by a marketing person to remove some negative things they had said. They refused and made the point I have just made – if they were to be seen as believable when they said something else that the company produced was great, they had to be seen to be honest in criticising anything that was less-than-perfect. And let’s all be grown up about this, I’d say no software or application is perfect! However, the marketing person found this concept alien to them.

I wonder if people who work in marketing departments have difficulty maintaining long-term relationships? Based on my experience, quite a few of them are willing to ask you to lie for them and they don’t understand honesty is core to trust. Or am I just being very, very naive?

For me to trust the opinion of someone commenting on software & applications, in fact on anything really, I want to see some proof of their integrity by them being critical as well as complementary. If it is all positive, I will assume that their opinion is bought in some way or they are not particularly discerning. So Marketing People asking for negative comments to be removed? You are doing your employer a disservice. Please keep that in mind.

(*)I’m not perfect – but sometimes I’m so close it hurts. My wife got me a T-shirt with this on, so it must be true… Or she was being sarcastic?

Will I Be The Next President Of The UK Oracle User Group? February 16, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in Oracle Scene, UKOUG, User Groups.
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I’ve decided to put myself forward to be President Elect of the UK Oracle User Group (UKOUG). The position of President Elect is, in effect, President-in-waiting. You shadow the current president before taking over the role when their term comes to an end. In this case, that will be in a year.

I think this is a very sensible manner in which to introduce a new person into the role of President. The UKOUG is one of the largest Oracle user groups in the world. It is in effect a small company with permanent staff and a large number of interested parties, the members. About 1000 companies have at least one membership with the UKOUG, some hold several (as each membership comes with conference passes). The position of President comes with 3 main duties:

  • Representing all members of the users group – end users, partners, sponsors. There are two other positions on the board of Member Advocate, so the president is one of three (out of a total of 6) representing the membership.
  • Being the ambassador for the UKOUG. This is partly being the “friendly public face” of the organisation but, as President, you represent the UKOUG to other user groups, Oracle Corporation and the press.
  • To ensure that the UKOUG meets it’s requirements as a company and has the correct governance in place. For the UKOUG a lot of the governance is about ensuring the board is selected or appointed correctly, legal requirements are met, and that the user group is run in an open and fair manner.

Why would I want to take this on? It is not a paid position, it is voluntary.

(I should maybe be a little clearer here on pay – voted positions on the board, i.e. member advocate and president, are not salaried. But expenses are paid and there is provision for some payment for specific project work, or if the demands of a role exceeds a number of hours in a given month. But you would be unable to live on it, no matter how frugal you are!)

Well, as many of you know, I’ve been an active volunteer for the UKOUG for a long time, it’s actually over 10 years. I present at nearly every annual conference, at a couple of the Special Interest Groups (SIGs) each year and I’ve chaired or deputy chaired SIGs since 2009. I don’t just do the “standing up and being noticed” stuff, I help out with the organisational work. I was in charge of the Database content at Tech14 & Tech15 and all the content of Tech16. I’ve sat on strategy committees, reviewed submissions, analysed speaker scores… I’m currently editor of the UKOUG magazine, Oracle Scene. I know some people think of me as “that guy from the UKOUG”. Maybe being President would be less work!

When the UKOUG announced that the position of President Elect was open, it seemed natural to try and take that final step up the Volunteer ladder to become a member of the board.

When it comes down to it, I love being in the Oracle community. I’ve made so many friends across the globe through not just the UKOUG but by going to the conferences & meetings of other national Oracle User Groups. I have learnt so much from user groups, not just from lectures but directly from the people I meet. The majority of people who get involved in user groups are not only intelligent and wanting to learn, they are also willing to share and teach.

Another part of my wanting to be the President (eventually) is that I don’t think the UKOUG is perfect. The organisation does evolve and change as the technology and market shifts. But I’d like to try and shake things up a bit and slightly alter where it’s focus currently is. I won’t say any more on that for now.

There are also big changes for some Oracle customer, namely Cloud, Chatbots, AI and the fact that hardware is shifting. Solid State storage and Oracle’s own in-memory tech is making some things possible that were impossible with the old physical storage and row-based processing. But soon we will have storage that is an order of magnitude faster than current SSD, almost as fast as main memory.

Oddly enough, one problem I see a lot is that there is too much focus on some of those new areas. Many people are still running systems where cloud and SSD are not part of their world. Yes, they would probably all like to move forward but if the systems they have can’t move on, they still need to get the most out of them now. User groups are not just for those chasing the latest-greatest, they are just as much for those who need help keeping the wheels on. I think the user group needs to reach slightly back before we can help them forward.

Many of you won’t be able to vote for me as only members of the UKOUG can vote. But if you can, I’d appreciate your vote. And I will need those votes.

There is one slight oddity. I am the only person standing for the position of President Elect (the position of Member Advocate is also open and being voted for at the moment, for which there are three candidates). However, there is still a vote, I will not take the position uncontested. The vote is a yes/no/abstain one, so you can either support my bid to be the President Elect or voice your opposition. There are issues with yes/no votes but over all the UKOUG board felt that as the user group is run on democratic principles, the members should be able to have their say over if they feel I am suitable to eventually become their President or not. If the number of votes are low, it edges things in the favour of “no” so I still need to campaign.

(If you can vote, you can do so Here)

As for the contest for the position of Member Advocate, I’ve voted for Neil Chandler. I know Neil well and he is just as passionate about the UKOUG as I am and I know he will work hard to keep it moving forward and improving.

Let’s see what happens come the conclusion of voting in March.

Friday Philosophy – Condoning Bad Behaviour February 2, 2018

Posted by mwidlake in Friday Philosophy, Management, Perceptions.
Tags: ,
7 comments

I used to work with a man called Nick(*). Nick was friendly enough, he was good at programming and he had very few annoying personal habits. Nick was easy to work with.

I WON’T take my share of the Christmas Cover!

When he finally turned up.

You see, Nick would sometimes turn up around 9am like everyone else. But more often he would get in just before 10am. And then it started to go past 10am and more like 10:15, 10:30… soon it was closer to 11am. He used to stay quite late to make up the time and he got done the programming work he was allocated. But it was a pain in the backside for everyone else. People who worked with him would be waiting for him to turn up and he would sometimes amble into a meeting after it had started.

Then I found myself managing Nick and about the first thing I did was have a little chat about his timekeeping. Nice, friendly Nick did not like this, he could not see the problem, he stayed late to do his work, the company was getting it’s “pound of flesh” as he put it. Why did it matter? So I explained the impact on the rest of the team and that core hours were clearly stated: 10:00-12:00 & 14:00-16:00. During those hours we all knew everyone was around and we could collaborate, it’s called team work.

Nick was having none of this – “If this was a problem, how come Sarah never raised it as an issue?”. And there was the reason that this was not just a small problem but a big problem. Yes, Sarah was his prior boss and she had not said anything to him about it. “You are just trying to show who is boss!”. Yes, yes I am, and being your boss is partly to tell you when you are doing things wrong, so stop it.

Nick’s prior boss had made the decision to condone bad behaviour, to let Nick come in later and later without intervening. Sometimes condoning bad behaviour is an active thing, like laughing at sexist/racist jokes, but usually it is a passive thing. If someone is doing something wrong and, as their manager, you do not challenge it then you are accepting it, you are condoning it. And once you have let it slip a few times, challenging it is harder. In Nick’s case it had resulted in the occasional late arrival becoming common, an accepted situation and a much more significant issue. It was also now a harder behaviour to challenge.

This situation is of course not limited to the manager/subordinate relationship, sometimes our friends or relatives behave badly and you have the choice to accept it or challenge it. I think that helps us immediately understand why we condone bad behaviour, as to challenge it causes confrontation. And very few of us like confrontation.

In another situation I had, there was a guy who would suddenly just go off the deep end for no good reason. Something would annoy him and he would start shouting and getting angry, way beyond what was reasonable. Now, to challenge that kind of bad behaviour you know it is going to be hard work. Thankfully, my boss at the time did, and explained to me at length and very forcefully that I needed to be more mature and less of a dick.

I think we can all agree that we should not condone bad behaviour but we can be reticent to do so due to the conflict.

Of course, a particularly difficult situation is when it is your boss (or parent!) who is behaving badly!

You will respect my authority!

Also, at what point do you challenge the behaviour? Probably not at the first incident, especially if it is minor like turning up to work late. After all, it might be a one-off, they may have reasons for the behaviour (one person I managed was turning up late as they were having a hell of a time at home, they needed some slack). Something more serious such as socially unacceptable behaviour, you need to question it right away. You also can’t challenge every small thing you perceive as wrong, you will just annoy everyone and become regarded as a control freak/moral bore.

You also need to consider the impact of challenging them. If it is over something that would embarrass or offend them, it could sour your relationship with them and the rest of the team. Catching someone out lying can be tricky to deal with (I once had someone ask me for holiday on short notice as a relative was ill. But his new girlfriend also reported to me and she was honest about the “urgent need” for the holiday…). I think the most common decision made when the bad behaviour is one that the other person will be embarrassed or in denial over is to let it lie or challenge it “if it happens again”. Only, just like with Nick and his late arrivals, each time you delay addressing the bad behaviour it will get harder to do so.

I can’t claim that I always handled the condoning of bad behaviour as well as I should, I was by no means a perfect boss or friend (or relative). I think it is one of the hardest parts of being a manager, especially if you are averse to confrontation. But over all, I’ve suffered more in the long run by not challenging bad behaviour than I have by trying to handle it.

As to how you handle it, that’s a whole different topic…

(* Nick was not his real name, I changed it to protect the innocent… It was Dave)

UKOUG Conference Survival Guide November 29, 2017

Posted by mwidlake in conference, humour, UKOUG.
Tags: , ,
6 comments

I’ve been going to the UKOUG conference for about… Well, most of this century. I think this year (2017) will be my 14th visit. Not only that but I’ve helped organise the tech side of the conference for several years. I was the Database Stream or whole Tech Stream lead for the last 3 years (though, this year, blame others as I passed over the duties to Neil Chandler as Tech17 lead and Chris Dunscombe as Database lead). I also grew up 30km North of Birmingham, in a little city called Lichfield – but to be honest that does not help as my family was from Nottingham and we went there to shop.

So with my many years of experience, here is my Survival Guide to UKOUG Conference in Birmingham.

Oh, and just to be clear. I sometimes say “we” when talking about organising the conference. It is habit. I was not involved this year.

Getting There

Train

A lot of people arrive by train, coming into the main train station, Birmingham New Street. This used to be a dark, horrible, Stygian nightmare of a train station but now it is bright, clean and has a nice shopping centre above it. It is just a 10 minute walk up the road called New Street, through the German Market and then bearing left-ish (probably past the Birmingham Town Hall) towards Broad Street where the conference centre (the Birmingham ICC) and most hotels people stay in are clustered. There are underpasses or bridges to take you over the horribly busy road that is in the way.

There are a few other train stations in Birmingham city centre (Moor Street, Snow Hill and Five Ways ) but I have never used them, sorry. Apparently you can walk to the ICC from them. Or get a taxi, but as it is Christmas and Broad Street is very close to the shopping areas, expect a slow taxi journey.

It is probably too late for this advice, but buy UK train tickets as soon in advance as possible. Train fares in the UK are stupidly high (for a crap service) and the sooner you book, the less eye-wateringly expensive it is. The UK is about the only European country where the trains are run privately for profit rather than by the government, which is why they are so “efficient and good value” here. Not.

Plane

Again, a bit late for advice on your actual plane route but if you come into Birmingham international get the train in. The service is regular and quick. Taxies, especially at this festive period, are likely to be slow and expensive. I have never tried Uber in Birmingham but UK Uber is in a lot of trouble at the moment as they have been accused of not vetting their drives much.
If you are coming into London, again get the train. From London Euston to Birmingham NEW STREET (not Birmingham International, that is the airport). It takes about 90 minutes.

Automobile

If you are driving into Birmingham then in some ways it is good, in some ways it is terrible. For example, the A38M gets you deep into Birmingham pretty quickly and smoothly but, like a lot of cities, at times the route is a bit confused and, as it is Christmas, the centre of Birmingham itself will be hell to drive around. Once you get near the centre the traffic will just stop.
I advise you allow for at least half an hour or more extra for driving into or out of Birmingham than you expect. If you arrive on Saturday or on Sunday afternoon add an hour.
If you are leaving by car on Wednesday afternoon, I suggest you consider having a final coffee or light meal in Birmingham before you go. Trying to drive out of the Broad Street area between 4pm and 6pm is something I do not want to have to do again in my life. One year (when it snowed a bit) it took me 2 hours just to get onto the M42 that circles the East and South of Birmingham.

If your hotel has reserved parking, great. If not then good luck. Check the UKOUG web site for suggested car parks, plan which car park you go for and remember, Saturday and Sunday all public car parks will be very, very busy. I had such a nightmare last year when I arrived on Saturday that I am parking 20 miles away and coming in by train!

Once There…

Once you are at the ICC you won’t need public transport – unless you booked a hotel a distance from the conference, in which case you are on your own. Or you are local and coming in and out each day. In which case you know the place and you are on your own.

You can walk to enough bars and restaurants as you could want, taxies in the evening for a couple of miles are not too bad. Access for wheelchairs is pretty good in the UK, there is step-free access to the ICC. I have a nasty feeling you cannot go across the canal to the main bars & restaurants from the back entrance of the ICC by wheelchair, but you can go via Broad Street.

 

Food & Drink

The UKOUG conference is great for breadth and depth of content. It is not so good on the catering front…

Coffee & Tea

It seems like a small thing, but getting a cup of tea or a coffee at the UKOUG conference can be a bit of a trial. Unlike other conferences, such drinks are not always available. I know, it’s mad. I’ve tried to argue about this when I’ve been involved in organising the conference but the ICC charge silly amounts for constant provisions of these conference basics and the UKOUG want to use the provision of drink and food to drive footfall through the exhibition. When it is the allotted time for Tea/Coffee, the queues are of course bad. And the ICC staff take some sort of evil delight by directing you to a different queue. Which turns out to be just as large or, occasionally, not even open yet. (They do this at lunch time too).

To make things worse, providing drinks as an exhibitor seems to be a real challenge too. I looked into having my own stand a couple of years back, with decent coffee. To provide anything more than the odd jug of real coffee would have cost me a fortune, if even possible.

I would advise you just hang about a bit. Maybe get a biscuit before someone who is trying to get a week’s calories from just the conference food hoovers them all up. Then get a coffee/tea once the rush dies down.

There are water coolers around, so you can get water. If it does not run out. Don’t drink water from the bathrooms, it is not “potable” unless otherwise stated – it will be going through a tank  which may or may not have a dead pigeon in it.

However, on the floor below the main conference reception area (so technically outside the conference) there is a coffee company that will sell you something approaching coffee or tea. And if you go out of the “back” of the ICC  and over the canal, there are some coffee places out there.

I suggest you get a bottle of water and keep it filled and with you. The conference rooms can be warm and if you “enjoyed yourself” the night before you could be dehydrated from that too. I used to get tired and suffer headaches until I realised I was constantly dehydrated.

Conference Food

The lunch will be OK. Probably. It varies from year to year. Last year we had a buffet as opposed to a “real” meal and, I have to say, it was a hell of a lot better than the slime provided the year before. If you are vegetarian or have allergies I hope you said so when you registered. In any respect, let your needs be known to the catering staff or the UKOUG staff. If the member of catering staff you are asking does not understand you, go ask someone else. It’s just not worth the risk.

The food provided on Tuesday evening is OK and, if you are determined, you could eat enough to count as a meal. But most people will go outside the ICC for evening meals and drinks. I would recommend you do so.

Drinking and Eating in Birmingham

The conference is in central Birmingham. There are lots of options. If you go out the “back” of the ICC (the opposite side to the main entrance, where there will be some sort of winter fair) you will go over the canal and find many plastic bars and restaurants. You know, All Bar One, Wagamama, Pizza Express, Slug and Lettuce. If that is your thing, you will be happy.

The conference centre is on Broad Street. If you come out the main entrance where the fair is, go right and then once at the road, go “back” along the side of the conference centre. If you come out the back entrance, head left (by the canal or once you have reached the bars). If you are not on Broad Street within 1 minute, you went the wrong left. Here there are more bars, restaurants, even an executive gentlemans dancing club. I have no idea how entertaining  executive gentlemen getting groovy is, I never popped in. There is a lot of choice of types of food up and down Broad Street, though the national cuisine of curry is most in evident. Please do not ask me to recommend anywhere, I loose track of where has been good. Use an App.

I would suggest you do NOT go out in a gang of 20 and expect to get seated. Go out in a gang of 4 or 6, maybe 8 and you will fair better. If you want a bigger group, use your search app of choice and book somewhere.

I would also suggest you be willing to walk more than 5 minutes, it really increases your choice and places are less busy. There are some nice Chinese and Thai places a little further out and lots of other food choices. For drinking I like the “Wellington” pub and there are a couple of other real-ale places scattered about but near by.  There is also the *speaker’s pub* but I won’t tell you where that is as you will all go there and I won’t be able to get in. I’ll happily take you there though. Let’s just say it is much improved since it was renovated and stopped smelling or urine.

Most people end up in the bars and restaurants near the ICC but if you walk back towards New Street (not all the way to New Street!) you will find the German Market where you can get Gluhwein and other bars with more character.

As the years have gone on, I’ve been more likely to pop out from the conference to get lunch or have a quiet coffee. It helps me keep fresh for the rest of the talks I go to.

Alcohol

Alcohol is of course utterly optional. But it seems a lot of British people and international conference presenters opt for it. There should be non-alcoholic options at all UKOUG organised social events. If there is not, feel free to complain like hell as it has been an issue once or twice and should not be.

Given you do wish to partake of the odd alcoholic beverage I feel I would like to offer some advice. That last pint in the hotel bar before you go to bed? Why is it always that one that is bad? I try and keep things in moderation until the last night at least Trying to concentrate on index internals whilst the Hangover Pixies bang hammers on the inside of your skull is not easy.

As a general rule, alcohol is not available in the conference during sessions.

As a general rule, after all sessions are finished, alcohol seems to be appreciated by many.

If you are not English (and in particular if you are from the US) you should be aware that our pints are a bit bigger than a US pint or a half litre. Also, though I know that the US have finally got their heads around “craft beer”, English beer (especially Real Ale) tends to be a bit more flavoursome and stronger than what many people thing of as beer, namely lager. You can get lager from most of the bars around the ICC and nasty, bland pap it is too. I’ll be holding out for beer that is brown, above 5 degrees C and is not mildly fizzy. Preferably delivered from the keg via hand pump, not just pressure-squirted out of a tap.

 

The Conference

Firstly, I’ll admit my prejudice. Other conferences have their own selling points, I actually personally prefer a few of the smaller national conferences, but for breadth of content and the technical validity of what is on offer, I don’t think you can beat the UKOUG conference. DOAG is on a par and is a little larger, but I think is less relaxed than the UK experience. Oracle Open World is a massive, ball-achingly on-message sales and marketing event that frankly I can live without. The UKOUG conference is independent of Oracle and, though we love having their presence and speakers, you will get talks that are not all “Oracle is the best”. You even sometimes get Oracle corporation speakers letting slip the occasional negative word or admission that something could be better. We put things in the water to make them more honest. Yeast, barley and hops, mostly.

Sessions

The UKOUG conference is big. Tech17 has something like 12 concurrent streams, 3 or 4 of which are database, a similar number across development and middleware. And you can move between Tech17, Apps17 and JDE17 as you wish now.

There will be times you want to see more than 1 session on at the same time. Sorry, this is impossible to avoid for the organisers. I’ve spent days in darkened rooms working on the agenda in the past. We try to make sure that talks in the same technical area (e.g. Database) are not on similar topics, we try not to put popular talks/presenters in small rooms or against each other. We try to look across the agenda so that a database-based talk on PL/SQL is not clashing on a PL/SQL talk about database management. But it is impossible. We organisers make mistakes or we simply do not see what is obvious in retrospect. Add to that short-notice changes in speaker availability and other run-time issues, the planning is not ideal.

But the main reasons we get such clashes is that:
(a) We have no control over what you lot are interested in. You might be passionate about APEX and database performance, or in-memory and Java. There are too many variables to plan to suit everyone
(b) There are so many good talks submitted by known speakers we could pack the event with only known, established speakers that you all want to see. And we don’t as we want to encourage new speakers and new topic areas.

So, when there is a clash, please try to be mellow and just accept that the UKOUG put on SO MUCH good content you are going to have to miss something.

And for when there is nothing at all you want to see? Sorry, it will probably happen too, it’s called random variation. Read below for suggestions.

Try to plan your day and what sessions you are going to. I have a piece of paper or the full agenda and I put big circles around the talks I intend to go to, so that I don’t have to keep thinking about this stuff as my head fills with new information.

Go to one or two sessions outside “your” area. It’s good to expand your viewpoint. Some of the best, most useful talks are ones I had to go to as I was chairing them. So now I throw a couple of oddities in each year. This is of course an ideal thing to do if you hit a point where there is no talk you really want to see. Rather than go see a talk you have seen before or a speaker who is well known, go see a talk on something you know nothing about.

HAVE A BREAK. If you feel your head is full or you cannot concentrate anymore, skip a session and chill. Have a coffee. Chat to people. When I first started coming to UKOUG conference I would go to 7 or 8 talks in a row. I did not really remember the last couple from day 1 or 2, or most of them from day 3. Because I was too tired to process new information anymore. Now I take the odd session out and, over all, I learn more. Pace yourself.

GIVE FEEDBACK! You buggers are getting worse and worse each year for filling in the feedback forms. I know, you all think you will do it online later. You won’t. You never do. I know, I’ve been reviewing the feedback for years. Fill in that paper form. And be honest. Don’t give everyone 5 or 6 for everything, apart from Derrick who was crap and you give 1 or 2 for everything. Of course, any talk I do (I’m not doing one this year) is 6’s across the board. But use the whole breadth of the scoring. (update, see the comment section).

Those feedback scores not only help the presenters personally, we use them when planning who gets to talk in future years. We really wish you would just tell us what you did and did not like. Please.

Speakers

Speakers are there as they want to be there. Well, most of them. So feel free to go talk to them when you see them around and about. Obviously don’t rudely butt in when they are deep in conversation with someone else, but of course you can chat to them in a queue for bad coffee or when you bump into them in the exhibitors hall. Oh, if you are between them and the nearest loo and they have a slightly determined look in their eye – leave them alone. And don’t follow them in! Yes, I had that once. I did not want to talk to that gentleman about Index Organised Tables right at that moment.

In my opinion, the worst time to try to talk to a speaker is… just after they have spoken! They need to get out of the way of the next speaker, you might be one of 4 or 5 people vying for attention and (true for me at least) often just after presenting you hit a bit of a lull in cognitive ability. I actually don’t tend to go to a session after I have presented as I know I won’t concentrate. So do ask your question, but ask it a little later when you see them about.

Oh, and you know those Oracle Hero Names? I’ll let you in on a big secret. They are just people, like you are. Obviously smarter and more handsome/pretty than you, but just people. Do you object if someone chats to you? No. So chat to them. And you don’t need to have a question you can, like, just talk to them like they are normal people. Apart from Tim Hall, he is strange. (Joke!)

Social

Conference is anything but just sessions. You are surrounded by people who all have an interest in Oracle, many of whom have a shared interest with you. Sessions are great but often the best stuff comes from conversations with people. It can be hard to talk to people you don’t know, but then those people you don’t know often feel the same. Come and talk to me, I hardly ever tell people to go away.

There are social events Monday and Tuesday nights. Come to them. Relax. Drink Whisky (Monday tech Community Networking). Or water. And chat.

If you get into a good discussion with someone and a new session is about to start, well maybe change your plan and go to the same session as them. Or. Don’t go to a session. If you have found someone who has had the same slow-death-by-frustration as you with feature X or implementing Payroll version 666 then spending half an hour with them might be the best thing you both get out of the conference. It’s what the Oracle Community is all about.

Odd Stuff

Toilets

I have not noticed queues outside the ladies loos. This is because IT is still a distressingly  male-dominated sphere, most conferences even more so. Though UKOUG try to encourage a better balance, one benefit for the ladies is no queuing for the loo. Men however, may need to queue! The problem is, several talks will finish  at the same time and those in need head off to the loos. The same ones as everyone else, right next to the hall you were in. Take a tip from me, if your bladder can hold on for 95 seconds, go and find a loo away from the hall. The ones down by halls 10 and 11 are quieter, it is worth seeing if there are loos by a hall that is not in use. I have my “favourite” loo, where it is always quiet. I’m not telling you where it is.

Wandering Around the Area – Safety

You will be safe in the vicinity of the ICC, Broad Street, down towards the centre of Birmingham. Of course, be sensible! Don’t wander down some dark alley on your own and don’t tell a bunch of Youth they look stupid with their trousers around their assholes (still a fashion thing for some here in the UK, I don’t get it). But you and your mate(s) will be safe wandering around where there are bars & restaurants. If you suddenly realise you are surrounded by only dark, lightless buildings – you are probably STILL safe. But maybe go back towards the bars. If I was a lady on my own, I would like to think I would not feel threatened on the main roads and thoroughfares. But I’ve never been a lady on my own. Several of those ladies I know who frequent the conference are at ease walking back to their hotel on their own. Though as a gentleman I find it tricky to let them do it, but that’s my latent sexism coming out.

Weather

Birmingham in Winter is world renowned for it’s warm climate and sunshine. Or more specifically, for how it is NOT warm and is only rarely sunny. As I type this I am looking at the long-term weather forecast and see no snow is predicted. But last time I told people there would be no snow – it snowed. (We do not get snow like say Canada or Norway gets snow. We get an inch or two that confuses everyone driving a car.)

It will be cold, I can be absolutely sure of that. A few degrees centigrade above freezing in the evenings, with a breeze. You will need a coat, gloves and a hat will help. If you are from America, it will be about 40f.  You will still need a coat, hat and gloves. Maybe throw in a scarf.

It will almost certainly rain at some point.

German Market and Shopping

I should not be encouraging you to leave the conference for a period of time, but in the evening the German Market and lots of shops are open. I personally don’t bother with the German Market anymore as I’ve been there soooo often (and, as I said on social media recently, you only need so many wooden toys and sausage in your life). But it is well worth a visit if you have not been before, or at least not for a while.

I know some people who include a mooch around the shops as part of their conference experience.

Coats and Luggage

It is warm in the ICC and blinking cold outside in Birmingham in December (see weather). So you will probably want to drop off your coat and maybe your luggage. There is a cloakroom in the ground floor of the ICC where you can do so. They will charge you a British pound or two. People complain about this charge. A lot.

You work in I.T, you are paid well, you do not want for money to pay for food and water. Just pay the damned pound will you? Take it off whatever charities you contribute to if it bothers you that much. Just don’t keep complaining at me about it.

If you stayed in a local hotel, they should be willing to hold on to your luggage for you on the last day. Depending on which hotel you are in this might not be convenient of course. If you do, how many of you will tip them more than a pound for doing so?